During the Covid epidemic I started a multi-media company while simultaneously teaching myself photography and videography. I can’t explain how or why I was so driven to become a entrepreneur, but it was an incredible and all-consuming run while it lasted. Like many fledgling business owner slash “hobbyists,” I had a blind faith that everything would work out. I was living out a parallel universe to the famous entrepreneur guests on Guy Raz’ NPR podcast “How I Built This.” Their experiences of almost losing their businesses then scaling to develop billion dollar market capitalizations helped make my ears impervious to warnings from well meaning friends and family to be careful about limiting my capital expenditures during lean startup times.
I don’t feel bad that I chased a dream with a singular determination to make compelling video art. However, where I errored was focusing on the accumulation of equipment because I saw peers using it, and because the research and purchase process became enjoyable in and of itself. There was nothing like the excitement I derived from (1) watching an unboxing or gear tutorial video from DSLR Video Shooter and other Sony focused how-tos on Youtube.com, (2) convincing myself that said gear was essential to support my venture (3) and then welcoming each newly indispensable piece of gear arrive onto my front porch after ordering from B&H Photo Video, Amazon.com, or other media equipment pusher.
“Stop watching YouTube,” counseled my cinematographer mentor Marc! “Stay away from the tutorials,” counseled my videographer friend Nathan! As the months added up, I was unable to see that I was resource-hoarding and that my possessions were becoming an extension of my ego.
…Slowly but surely, my credit card balances felt more and more unsustainable as I came to consciousness that buying lenses, cameras, tripods, gimbals, and other film equipment wasn’t the solution to my lack of customers. Instead, my real problem was existential. Mindfulness meditation helped me see that I lacked a passion to be a storyteller in the way I saw evidenced by John, a high school soccer teammate, who worked his way up from cameraman and editor to A-list reality TV ‘show runner’ (director). Instead, when I got excited to tell stories, it was to brag about the great deal I received when I purchased my Sony FX3, an advanced cinema camera that is “great in low light and used by Hollywood filmmakers when they need a small form-factor tool…” to signal to myself and others that I was in their league. Whenever I heard that someone else had an inferior camera, I batted my eyes dismissively… totally ignorant to the reality that tools don’t make the video artist, art does!
Jump forward to 2025.
Now that I’m in my ‘breathing mindfully while posting gear on Facebook marketplace and eBay phase,’ I am moving from sadness over my lost entrepreneurial dreams to a greater catharsis of sorts. Each time that I sell a piece of equipment, I imagine all the use it will get in helping new owners to tell stories to their customers and end audiences. And as I pay off my credit cards and family loans, I hold my head high. There’s no need for self-hatred after all, just an opportunity to see what’s next as I navigate all the new opportunities that are coming my way.
ZenCents 